These Are a Few of My Favorite Things!

Remember the wonder & excitment of Christmas when you were a kid? Waking up every morning with butterflies in your stomach because you knew you were one day closer to Christmas. Going through Toys R Us making a list of everything you want Santa to bring. Making sure your room was clean so your parents couldnt tell Santa you were bad. Checking the mailbox for Christmas cards and maybe a gift or two. As great as those times were, every year the warm fuzzy feeling seemed to shrink just a little.
And then I had Ella. The anticipation for Christmas has hit me more than it has in the past 10 years combined! One Christmas tradition I'm looking forward to the most- Christmas cards! Not just any Christmas card. This will be our first as a family of three! Dressing up a little girl in all things Christmas for a family photo, picking the right style for a photo card, making a mailing list, buying Christmas stamps... Just the thought makes my skirt fly up! I love browsing the styles & deciding which design matches the picture. Maybe it's a girl thing.
As soon as we get a decked out family picture (and as soon as I can convince my husband red tights are a good idea for a 6month old), I'm hoping to jump the gun & get our cards made through Shutterfly. I'm surprised how many cute religious cards they have to choose from.Then I get to sit back & wait for the influx of snail mail as we receive cards as well. I'm sure we'll get a few extra this year since the generous people at Shutterfly are giving away free cards this year! Maybe with the money we save on Christmas cards, we can get a calendar for the grandparents! Or maybe we can spring for white tights instead of red :o)

How Time Flies!

I cant believe i was so newly preggo the last time i posted... My life isnt anywhere close to the same! Ella will be 20 weeks old this week. She does something new everyday! She's recently started growling at people. It's cute at home, but when you're at the mall and people stop to comment on how adorable she is with her little mohawk... well that makes for an embarrassed Mama! She rolls over like it's nothing. She let out a little laugh the other day. It touched my heart so much i may have teared up. She's starting to sit up too. We got her a Bumbo and she loved it instantly.

Ella had her 4month check up last week. She's weighing in at 10lbs 10oz! that puts her in the 2nd percentile haha she's 23 3/4" long (27%) and her head is 15 1/4" (3%). She's been in 0-3month clothes for about a month. She's been in size 1 diapers since she was 1 month old. She's the light of my life! I couldnt imagine doing anything besides staying home with her. We have the joy of joining a MOPS group in town. i'm so thrilled to meet other moms in the area. It was totally a God thing that we were able to join. I've also started making & selling bows in my spare time.

My spare time has increased drastically in the past few weeks. September 12th we started sleep training. Yes, until then I'd been holding Ella for all of her naps AND through the night. I'd mastered the art of a breastfeeding buffet without waking myself up :o) It was a tough few nights letting her cry it out a little and get used to sleeping alone. It didnt help that we were at the hospital all day sept 14th for Jess to have her gallbladder removed. and then she stayed with us a week. Yeah, kinda made sleep training a little harder but thank the sweet Lord she's got it down now!

We havent really been traveling with Matt since then, but I think we might give it a go soon. He's been working so hard lately. i know he misses her terribly when he's gone. Sometimes i feel guilty that i get to stay home with her and he doesnt. It makes me sad all the things i get to experience with her that he misses. It scares me when i get used to handling everything on my own. It's not something i want to get used to. I know God has major things in store for us. It's just been a trying time.

Hopefully i'll be able to keep up with posting regularly. As fast as Ella's growing, i know i wont be able to remember it all otherwise!

Oh How HE Loves Us

well, i believe i can finally spill the beans... I'M PREGNANT! i had no idea what a challenge the last 2 years would have been, but i honestly wouldn't have traded it for anything. I just wish everyone could understand what a miracle God is doing in our lives. I'm 9 weeks today-- the baby is the size of a grape! I've slept more in the past month than i think i ever have! tums are my new best friends . And I'm starting to look a little chunky. It's going to be an exciting ride and i cant wait! November 17th we get to see the baby for the first time and i couldn't be more excited. Matt is beside himself. He's trying to make sure i eat enough vegetables and take my vitamins. He's been so patient and so helpful. He doesn't complain one bit if i go to bed while he cleans the kitchen. I know he'll be a great dad :o) I'll try to be more diligent about updating but the preggo brain has definitely kicked in!

1st Anniversary

Sunday Matt and I celebrated our one year anniversary. I use the term "celebrated" lightly... Matt worked 14 hours Saturday and 15 hours Sunday. I cooked dinner for all the guys Saturday and delivered it to the school where he was working. Sunday, i went to church with my sister. I figured it was better to go to church than sit home alone. Yet i still had plenty of time to sit home alone. Since Matt had to go back to Rock Hill today, i tried to get everything ready for him. I went shopping and packed his lunches and dinners for the week, along with snacks & quick breakfasts. I washed, dried, folded, and even organized his clothes- clothes to pack for work & clothes to keep in the closet. I got out the card i bought him and signed it... We'd planned on going to the Melting Pot but everything at the school he was at seemed to go wrong. People who were supposed to help never showed. So our plans got pushed back. Luckily we'd been thawing our anniversary cake for a couple of days. By the time he got home at 10pm, we had a good 10mins of trying to eat frozen cake and him opening his card. He was shocked that he didn't even think to give me a card, but how can i make him feel bad about it? he's been working SO hard lately, that i cant expect him to remember such things. After all, he did buy me platinum diamond earrings to match my wedding band ;o) So after we both ended up in tears over his card (hey, I'd been in tears a better part of the day, but what he doesn't know cant hurt him!), he took a shower and went to bed. Our 10 mins of anniversary time was great! Just not at all how i imagined it... But then again this past year hasn't gone anything like i imagined. Yet it's still been the best year of my life!

In other news, I'm afraid to admit my endometriosis is back. I started hurting while we were at the beach in the end of July. I just didn't think the pain would escalate this fast. I'm still holding on to hope that I'll get pregnant before i need to have surgery. I told Matt i might be able to hold out till October. I'm praying i can make it that long!I have to go back to the Dr in the next month or 2 anyway because my 6 months of Clomid are coming to an end. All i can do is trust God. I'm not always graceful about it, but i know HIS ways are higher than my ways. I leave you with a verse I've been holding on to this past week:

"You can make many plans, but the LORD's purpose will prevail." Prov. 19:21

july 4th weekend (heavy w/pics)

*FYI- this post (before this addition) was exactly 1200 words...

Our weekend started Friday night hanging crown molding on the 1st floor. we brought the miter box & saw in the living room, laid the 1st piece down and looked at each other- laughing! we got in the car and went to Lowe's & came home with an electric miter saw. Once we got the thing to work, we carried out my genius idea angle the 8ft pieces at45 degrees so the seams would be, well, seamless. After we hung the corner & an 8ft piece on either side, we realized the 45's were NOT seamless, in fact the gaps were huge! So after we'd shot 20 nails in them, my dear husband pulled them back off the walls (telling me off for my idea in his head). after trying every angle imaginable, with the gaps getting worse, he had an epiphany- it wasn't the idea it was the molding! we measured and sure enough they were off! some were 1/4" shorter, give or take. GGRR! but after working all day Friday and it being about 10:30, i was just glad to know i wasn't crazy! :o) So we decided to straight cut all the pieces, butt them together, and spackle later. This idea worked much better (as long as the pieces lined up height-wise). we ended up getting the living room and kitchen hung before calling it a night.
We started the next morning (Saturday) as soon as we were both awake. We had reservations at the Melting Pot at 6:30 with Matt's parents, so we knew we'd be omitting lunch for the day. We continued into the hallway until the nail gun jammed. Matt plopped down on the couch w/ a butter knife and a flashlight. I took the time to watch the newest Superman movie (and getting a little entertainment from his frustration). After trying the butter knife, tweezers, a pocket knife i suggested a wire hanger. While trying to bend the wire hanger, Matt chose to let out his frustration on Superman! i think it went something like "that's why nobody likes superman, he's always having to get saved by other people! Spiderman is the same way! Always needing to get saved..." and while i was trying to hold in my snickering i lost it on the next bit. "You ain't never seen a Jedi needing to get saved!" hahaha While the wire hanger worked, Matt was bending out the last few nails. Out of the corner of my eye, i just saw a spring go flying out of the nail gun and hit the wall! and then, the sea of laughter came out of me! Matt might have went "semberger" on it and kicked a few things :o) He stomps upstairs (probably to avoid the laughter that has yet to stop) and starts checking prices for nail guns. Before i knew it, we were back in the car! Thank God someone was open on the 4th!

After our little road trip, we got back to the grind of hanging. After a glitch in the air compressor- Seriously, does it ever end?- we made it down the hall and to the dining room. After not eating for hours, Matt started getting shaky on the ladder. It didn't help the pieces kept going crooked and we kept pulling them off to rehang them. 20 mins of eyeballing the same piece, we decided to call it quits. we still needed to get ready for our date night!

Matt's parents met at our house and we all went to the Melting Pot- YUM! i LOVE that place! Ruth and John were beside themselves! they'd never been and were mesmerized all evening. Our reservation was for 6:30 and we ate till we couldn't eat anymore! By about 9, we were ready to head out for fireworks! We went to the Old Time Pottery parking lot but fireworks weren't until 11. We had 30 mins before Old Time Pottery closed, so we wandered around. Of course we got evil looks from the workers who were, no doubt, ready to get out of there. We left and moved our car up to the other end of the parking lot. Being the 1st out there, we set up camp where we pleased. We unfolded the chairs, whipped out the cooler (gotta love Ruth, always thinking ahead. she packed drinks lol) and just talked. It was great! My sister met us a little later with Lucy, who apparently just lost 2 toes. I told her we should call her Deuce Lucy! Anyway... Jess just fit right in with everyone. We talked for hours before the fireworks started. I even got to try out my new camera for the fireworks! Not too bad...


That night, Matt & I finally made it to bed about 1am he told me he wanted pancakes in the morning! haha Sunday morning we headed out to Cracker Barrel. We were exhausted! the soreness from all our hard work definitely had set in. We had our fill of pancakes and maybe a buckeye or 2 and enjoyed a little rocking chair action before we went to Costco for gas. While at the gas station, i made my pitch to go to the Prime outlets in Gaffney. I planned on going by myself Monday, but it was worth a shot! Apparently pancakes is all my man needs to be persuaded! And we were off! We made the trip down I-85 with Gap coupons in hand! It was a peaceful ride. Of course we talked about the serial killer on the loose in gaffney. I mean hey, it made national news and we were driving straight into the madness for shopping! haha We also discovered, at 1pm, that the outlets don't open on Sunday till1:30 so we got a little more relaxation in before the shopping spree. I scored some great stuff and Matt got a couple of things too. By the 45 min mark, Matt was handing me what he wanted to buy and finding a bench. He was spent! Since i was using my 1 day sale pass and still had no khaki shorts/pants/skirt (for the beach) i tried to talk Matt into stopping by Old Navy on the way home. Of course he sat in the car while i tried on a bunch of stuff that didn't work, but he had an odd grin on his face as i was coming out of Old Navy. He looked at me and said "The Proposal is playing in 15 mins, are we going?" Matt-yes-my husband- the predictable, plan it out, non-spontaneous man that i love left me speechless! He knew i wanted to see The Proposal but he'd conveniently not had time or been in the mood. We sat in the movies, eating our large popcorn for dinner, and i couldn't help but smile. We both thought our day would be full of back aches, saw dust, and safety goggles. But here i sat in the movies, no makeup, hadn't done my hair, we threw on clothes in 10 mins to go to cracker barrel and hadn't been home in 7 hrs. It really was the perfect day with my wonderful husband.

Finally, to know i'm not alone

so the age doesnt match up, and i ideally want 2 kids (i'd be so blessed for one right now) it's encouraging to know you arent the only one feeling like this...

"Children. I want children. Not just a baby. Not just a child. I want children. Three of them. If I were younger, I might want more, but at thirty-four three seems like a good number. Marrying a little late and moving across the country a couple of times as well as a long-running struggle to pay the rent delayed the real trying for a while.The trying has been going on for a long time now. Not as long a many of you, but much longer than most.To no avail. No children. Not one pregnancy. I have never experienced that wonder of knowing that there is a life inside of me. Instead, there is a longing that will not be filled, that will not be diminished, that will not end this side of heaven without children to fill it.Nothing else in my life has been as baffling to me as not being able to conceive a child. My emotions hide even from myself, spilling out in tears of sadness or anger at the most inopportune times. There have been no days of real clarity, no times when a light has come on to show the way—not even a little. But the mysterious and marvelous mercy of God has convinced me of one thing in all of this—it is dark because I am in that deep, hidden place under God’s wing.Certainly, the inability to bear children to the glory of God is due to the sinfulness of sin and its effect on all of life. It is not that God punishes us by not allowing us to give birth to the offspring we most desperately desire. It is rather that we, along with all of creation, suffer the wretched consequences of the sin of our first mother and father, Adam and Eve, compounded by the sin of all the sinners who have come after them. And that, of course, is all of us.Since this is so, I know that, as with all of life, I must not put my trust in anything other than God, even in the provision of a child. This does not necessarily mean that I may not use a medical intervention to try to conceive a child. It does not mean that adoption is not an option to pursue. Rather, I trust that God in His mercy has given us these means as part of His redemption from the effects of the Fall.At times the knowledge that God has given His covenant of grace to believers and their children makes not being able to have a child even more difficult to understand and bear. God has rescued me from such a desperate place and has given me such a glorious glimpse of Himself that I want, with all that is within me, to see this passed on to the next generation of my family, my children.My heart cries out, “Why, O God, will You not answer this prayer? Why will You not do this simple thing for me and for Your own name’s sake? You do it for so many so easily. Your marvelous grace. Why not to me?” With thoughts like these, it is easy to fall into deep despair, and at times I certainly do. When this happens, God in His time and His various graceful ways, comes to me to remind me that I am not alone. He does not, as so many do, tell me that “my time will come.” He does not say that if I will just relax and not try so hard, everything will be okay. He does not say, “If you adopt a baby, you’ll get pregnant.” He does say that He is with me. He weeps with me as Jesus wept for Lazarus. He reminds me that He is good and that He can be trusted with my heart. Any doubt of that was wiped away at the Cross.He has given His best to me, His own beautiful, beloved Child. Will He withhold any good thing from me? No, never. Is Jesus enough to make up for this aching void in my soul? I do not always feel that it is so. But it is. Jesus loves me—this I know."-Debbie Trickett, from The True Woman by Susan

i'll post a more detailed follow up of the past month later.

Hope

Just got back from the doctor, so it's time for an update! A couple of weeks ago (like 7 weeks out of surgery) i started having stabbing pains in my left side. Besides the fact i was downtown in training and couldnt leave, i was completely freaked out at what it could have been. Emotionally i wasnt in the best place, so i assumed the worst- endometriosis is back, tubal pregnancy, you name it & i probably thought it! The pain came during my week long ovulation testing. All had been negative and i was starting to lose sleep over it. After talking about all my concerns (well, some of my concerns. some just make me sound crazy!) with someone dear to me, i realized i couldnt keep obsessing like i had been. The stress was definitely getting to me. That weekend, after being very irritable, i finally broke. I started crying and told Matt we weren't trying to get pregnant anymore! i was tired of taking the ovulation tests, i was tired of losing sleep and not eating. I sat at home by myself worrying and stressing and i was DONE! Matt completely agreed that it was my choice if i wanted to stop testing, i'd stop. it wasnt worth my health or sanity.
So this week, when i hadnt started my period i felt myself starting to get all worked up again. I went home from work and started hurting like had 2 weeks ago. This pain added to my stress. I went home and had a little God time... and then my attitude started to change. I knew God's plan is always better than mine, and i was going to cling to that. I meditated on Prov 3:5

5-12 Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don't try to figure out everything on your own.Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; he's the one who will keep you on track.Don't assume that you know it all. Run to God! Run from evil!Your body will glow with health, your very bones will vibrate with life!Honor God with everything you own; give him the first and the best.Your barns will burst, your wine vats will brim over.But don't, dear friend, resent God's discipline; don't sulk under his loving correction.It's the child he loves that God corrects; a father's delight is behind all this. -THE MESSAGE

This version really hit me hard. Don't try to figure out everything on your own. Wow. So monday, i finally felt the peace i thought i had found a couple of weeks ago. Not knowing if i was pregnant or just really late from not ovulating, not knowing why i was hurting, not knowing if i needed another surgery- i stopped trying to figure it out! I thought i might have been pregnant. i mean, i was almost a full week late. i tried not to get too excited b/c i remembered the heartache that came last month when i started my period. I told myself if i hadnt started by Thursday ( matt's bday) i'd take a test. I started my period Wednesday morning. i still thought the flood of emotions would follow. they did, but i surprised myself. i was excited. yes i said excited! just the thought that God had a better plan... God had a better time for me to be pregant... i was overwhelmed with excitement.
Now that i've laid the foundation, on to the dr appt this morning. We were going to talk about starting Clomid, a super ovulation pill. they of course had to do a pelvic exam (NO FUN). I told the dr i was in pain 2 weeks ago and then againg monday & tuesday. I told him it felt like the same pain last year when i had a cyst. i described the pain and he agreed. i told him i took the 7 day ovulation test and all were negative. i knew exactly how long my cycles had been. Finally, for once a doctor's appt made sense. the pain made sense. the timing made sense! The dr said i developed a cyst(2 weeks ago) b/c i wasnt ovulating- almost as if the cyst took the place of ovulation. then, the cyst collapsed at the onset of my period (monday or tuesday). He said as tender as i had been w/the endo and i sensitive as i should be for being on my period during the exam, i wasnt sensitive at all! he was able to check everything just fine and he felt the endo wasnt even almost coming back OR that there were any signs of cysts being present still. Since he was so pleased at how i'd kept track of everything and how "textbook" the pain and all had been, he was going to skip the bloodwork before starting Clomid. and i didnt know it but you're supposed to start clomid on day 3 of your cycle--which is TODAY! does anyone else see how well God planned all this out!? i take clomid for days 3-7 and i should ovulate days 14-15. i just have to go back on day 21-22 for blood tests. They want to check my hormone levels to see if i need more than one pill a day. This month is more of a testing of levels on clomid than trying to get preg, but it's still just as likely. If not, i'll take it again next month and take another ovulation testing kit. So, i'm clinging to Proverbs 3:5 and i'm still SO excited for what this summer is going to bring!