Finally, to know i'm not alone

so the age doesnt match up, and i ideally want 2 kids (i'd be so blessed for one right now) it's encouraging to know you arent the only one feeling like this...

"Children. I want children. Not just a baby. Not just a child. I want children. Three of them. If I were younger, I might want more, but at thirty-four three seems like a good number. Marrying a little late and moving across the country a couple of times as well as a long-running struggle to pay the rent delayed the real trying for a while.The trying has been going on for a long time now. Not as long a many of you, but much longer than most.To no avail. No children. Not one pregnancy. I have never experienced that wonder of knowing that there is a life inside of me. Instead, there is a longing that will not be filled, that will not be diminished, that will not end this side of heaven without children to fill it.Nothing else in my life has been as baffling to me as not being able to conceive a child. My emotions hide even from myself, spilling out in tears of sadness or anger at the most inopportune times. There have been no days of real clarity, no times when a light has come on to show the way—not even a little. But the mysterious and marvelous mercy of God has convinced me of one thing in all of this—it is dark because I am in that deep, hidden place under God’s wing.Certainly, the inability to bear children to the glory of God is due to the sinfulness of sin and its effect on all of life. It is not that God punishes us by not allowing us to give birth to the offspring we most desperately desire. It is rather that we, along with all of creation, suffer the wretched consequences of the sin of our first mother and father, Adam and Eve, compounded by the sin of all the sinners who have come after them. And that, of course, is all of us.Since this is so, I know that, as with all of life, I must not put my trust in anything other than God, even in the provision of a child. This does not necessarily mean that I may not use a medical intervention to try to conceive a child. It does not mean that adoption is not an option to pursue. Rather, I trust that God in His mercy has given us these means as part of His redemption from the effects of the Fall.At times the knowledge that God has given His covenant of grace to believers and their children makes not being able to have a child even more difficult to understand and bear. God has rescued me from such a desperate place and has given me such a glorious glimpse of Himself that I want, with all that is within me, to see this passed on to the next generation of my family, my children.My heart cries out, “Why, O God, will You not answer this prayer? Why will You not do this simple thing for me and for Your own name’s sake? You do it for so many so easily. Your marvelous grace. Why not to me?” With thoughts like these, it is easy to fall into deep despair, and at times I certainly do. When this happens, God in His time and His various graceful ways, comes to me to remind me that I am not alone. He does not, as so many do, tell me that “my time will come.” He does not say that if I will just relax and not try so hard, everything will be okay. He does not say, “If you adopt a baby, you’ll get pregnant.” He does say that He is with me. He weeps with me as Jesus wept for Lazarus. He reminds me that He is good and that He can be trusted with my heart. Any doubt of that was wiped away at the Cross.He has given His best to me, His own beautiful, beloved Child. Will He withhold any good thing from me? No, never. Is Jesus enough to make up for this aching void in my soul? I do not always feel that it is so. But it is. Jesus loves me—this I know."-Debbie Trickett, from The True Woman by Susan

i'll post a more detailed follow up of the past month later.

Hope

Just got back from the doctor, so it's time for an update! A couple of weeks ago (like 7 weeks out of surgery) i started having stabbing pains in my left side. Besides the fact i was downtown in training and couldnt leave, i was completely freaked out at what it could have been. Emotionally i wasnt in the best place, so i assumed the worst- endometriosis is back, tubal pregnancy, you name it & i probably thought it! The pain came during my week long ovulation testing. All had been negative and i was starting to lose sleep over it. After talking about all my concerns (well, some of my concerns. some just make me sound crazy!) with someone dear to me, i realized i couldnt keep obsessing like i had been. The stress was definitely getting to me. That weekend, after being very irritable, i finally broke. I started crying and told Matt we weren't trying to get pregnant anymore! i was tired of taking the ovulation tests, i was tired of losing sleep and not eating. I sat at home by myself worrying and stressing and i was DONE! Matt completely agreed that it was my choice if i wanted to stop testing, i'd stop. it wasnt worth my health or sanity.
So this week, when i hadnt started my period i felt myself starting to get all worked up again. I went home from work and started hurting like had 2 weeks ago. This pain added to my stress. I went home and had a little God time... and then my attitude started to change. I knew God's plan is always better than mine, and i was going to cling to that. I meditated on Prov 3:5

5-12 Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don't try to figure out everything on your own.Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; he's the one who will keep you on track.Don't assume that you know it all. Run to God! Run from evil!Your body will glow with health, your very bones will vibrate with life!Honor God with everything you own; give him the first and the best.Your barns will burst, your wine vats will brim over.But don't, dear friend, resent God's discipline; don't sulk under his loving correction.It's the child he loves that God corrects; a father's delight is behind all this. -THE MESSAGE

This version really hit me hard. Don't try to figure out everything on your own. Wow. So monday, i finally felt the peace i thought i had found a couple of weeks ago. Not knowing if i was pregnant or just really late from not ovulating, not knowing why i was hurting, not knowing if i needed another surgery- i stopped trying to figure it out! I thought i might have been pregnant. i mean, i was almost a full week late. i tried not to get too excited b/c i remembered the heartache that came last month when i started my period. I told myself if i hadnt started by Thursday ( matt's bday) i'd take a test. I started my period Wednesday morning. i still thought the flood of emotions would follow. they did, but i surprised myself. i was excited. yes i said excited! just the thought that God had a better plan... God had a better time for me to be pregant... i was overwhelmed with excitement.
Now that i've laid the foundation, on to the dr appt this morning. We were going to talk about starting Clomid, a super ovulation pill. they of course had to do a pelvic exam (NO FUN). I told the dr i was in pain 2 weeks ago and then againg monday & tuesday. I told him it felt like the same pain last year when i had a cyst. i described the pain and he agreed. i told him i took the 7 day ovulation test and all were negative. i knew exactly how long my cycles had been. Finally, for once a doctor's appt made sense. the pain made sense. the timing made sense! The dr said i developed a cyst(2 weeks ago) b/c i wasnt ovulating- almost as if the cyst took the place of ovulation. then, the cyst collapsed at the onset of my period (monday or tuesday). He said as tender as i had been w/the endo and i sensitive as i should be for being on my period during the exam, i wasnt sensitive at all! he was able to check everything just fine and he felt the endo wasnt even almost coming back OR that there were any signs of cysts being present still. Since he was so pleased at how i'd kept track of everything and how "textbook" the pain and all had been, he was going to skip the bloodwork before starting Clomid. and i didnt know it but you're supposed to start clomid on day 3 of your cycle--which is TODAY! does anyone else see how well God planned all this out!? i take clomid for days 3-7 and i should ovulate days 14-15. i just have to go back on day 21-22 for blood tests. They want to check my hormone levels to see if i need more than one pill a day. This month is more of a testing of levels on clomid than trying to get preg, but it's still just as likely. If not, i'll take it again next month and take another ovulation testing kit. So, i'm clinging to Proverbs 3:5 and i'm still SO excited for what this summer is going to bring!

Moodiness!

Forgive the lack of posting, i've been journaling in an actual notebook(MelRay's genious idea of a place to write what i want to become as a mom)! yes, me, the girl who HATED english! i find journaling in my notebook a little less...edited. If i feel crazy (which i have been lately) i can say so how i want to. As many irrational thoughts that have been running through my head, i needed a place to get rid of it and forget it! Who knew it could be so cathartic! Lately i've been spending a lot of time alone. Out of the past 3 months, Matt has been working in town maybe 3 weeks. It's so not fun and i believe all that alone time is what keeps the irrational thoughts stirred up. I must add though that it has sparked several close encounters with God. It's been 6 weeks today since my surgery. I wish i could say i were pregnant already, but i cant. Logically i know there's a reason for it, but try telling my heart that. I've never had a period be so heartbreaking (or physically painful now that i think about it...). Sure, we've only been trying a few weeks but in ways i feel like i've been trying to get to pregnant a lot longer. Everything for the past year and a half has been centered on what i can do to get pregnant. It's about preserving (or fixing?) what God created my body to do. I could go on and on about how cheated i feel that getting pregnant should be spontaneous or casual or uneventful even! but that's what the notebook is for :o) I could tell you i cry everytime i watch Bringing Home Baby or how angry i get at young girls who neglect their beautiful babies or middle-aged women who are angry they're pregnant but i wont.

Matt and i watched Marley and Me the other night *spoiler alert* I didnt cry at the end when the dog died-- i cried when jennifer aniston's character went for her 1st ultrasound and there was no heartbeat. I'd like to think one day i wont be this sensitive, but it's probably wishful thinking. I guess i've started seeing the world through different eyes lately. I've become more sensitive to my mom's antics and her trashing me to everyone who will listen. She has the one thing i want most- a daughter. yet all she does is push me away.... I pray everyday i wont take my child for granted.

Matt's coming home tonight from a 4-day job in Georgetown. And i havent been so happy for him to come home in a while! i know when he comes home this time, he's promised at least a month's work in town!!! I've bought the ovulation kits. I've bought the multi-pack pregnancy tests. Who knows, i might need another roll of quarters ;o)

What a Week!

I feel like i have so much to say about the past week, i'm bound to forget something! At my last dr appt, we all agreed surgery was the answer. Well, basically the dr agreed that it was my body, my call :o) Wednesday i got off work at 2 and went home to clean- for 4 hrs straight! Melissa brought over taco soup; "crack mix" consisting of popcorn, 2 kinds of cheese its, and m&ms *YUM*; brownies w/peanut butter chips, a bunch of books, and a journal. Normally i am not a journal kind of person, but this gift brought me to tears. We'd just talked about how i was afraid of turning into my mom and all the things i'd do different as a mother. Mel had the idea to journal all the things i want to be as a mom. Now i have a place to write all the things i want to do with my children, things i'd swear i'd never say, and such. After Melissa left, Matt and i went for the "last dinner." it's a dinner i've done every night for all 5 of my surgeries. You make a point to go to a place you dont go much, or that's really not that good for you. We went to a meat-&-3 kinda place i LOVED when we lived in greenville. Stax original is near cherrydale. I was in heaven!! the food was awesome. Matt wasnt a big fan, but he humored me. And i have to brag on Matt, he actually left his phone in the car!! For him, this is HUGE! he'd left work while his guys were still working so we could spend time together. Normally, us "spending time together" would include several interruptions with problems from work and emails for the next day. We had a great conversation and just enjoyed being together. Since matt had never been to my Nanny's house, we stopped by to see her. It's only 4 mins from Stax and my parents will be moving in with her soon, so we just wanted matt to be able to check it out and see the construction my parents had done in their preperation to move. Sadly, I dont remember the last time i got to have a conversation with Nanny without mama overpowering her. it was great! we finally got to hear Nanny's opinion on a lot of things, including a dishwasher we were thinking of giving them. By the time we got home, we were exhausted. We both fell asleep before 10:30!

Thursday morning we woke up at 4:15. I took a shower and got ready for the hospital. Matt and I had a wonderful time just cuddling that morning- actually, a little too much time! We rushed to the hospital and still were 10mins late. Even my parents were already there waiting! haha! Matt had decided he would go back with me for the IV and everything this time. I knew he was nervous, but trying to be strong for me. I guess it finally hit him that he'd see much worse if we were going to have a baby! Honestly, it was a true test of how much closer we've grown through the past 6 months of marriage. i, more than the last 2 times, wanted him with me instead of my mom. What i didnt know was how much trouble the nurse would have! First, let me say i HATE the IV part worse than all of it. the shot that stings and feeling the needle pulling in my skin to me is worse than waking up 5 times before i know where i am. I might have failed to mention that to matt before he volunteered to come back there for all that... I had a tag team of nurses- one asking questions and one taking stats and starting the IV. After a 5 min search for a vein, she pulled the bed off the wall and searched the other arm. She thought she found a vein in my hand after thumping it a million times. the shot sucked and she got the needle in, but she didnt hit the right spot for the fluids to be able to go in. She pulled it out and (while pressing VERY hard on the hole she just made!) thumped the vein less than an inch down from the first try. By this point Matt had his blackberry so close to his face, you couldnt tell one from the other. After an even worse sting from the 2nd shot, we were "hopeful" the 2nd IV would work. she hooked up the Saline and let it drip a while to see if i felt my arm getting cold. I might have stretched the truth a little at that point but i didnt care! After the dynamic duo left, matt peeled himself off the chair and climbed in the bed with me. I must say i was shocked since he held up the wall the last time he saw a tube in my arm, but it was nice to have a moment with him before my parents came back. Not long after my parents came back, they took me to the OR. all i remember is the huge boot-looking things that were the feet stirrups. I even asked if they planned on having me "spread eagle" the nurse giggled and said they'd wait till i was out lol

I woke up in recovery with a male nurse named Forrest. The absolute first thing i noticed was my IV was in the other hand!!! It's actually what woke me up. i asked if the nurse screwed up take 2. He said it must have not been a good enough vein b/c they moved it after i was out. Thank God for them waiting!!

the doctor talked to matt and my parents while i was in recovery. the 1 hr surgery actually took 2 hours. There was a lot of scar tissue. my right ovary was plastered to my pelvic wall with adhesions. Apparently, there was a lot of small buds of endometriosis. The dr said he was glad we did it when we did. He said my gut was right b/c had we waited too much longer, the many tiny spots of endo would have grown and i would have been a mess to try and clean up. He also put some kind of gel stuff in there to prevent scar tissue from coming back. According to what he said, we have 4-6 months to get pregnant. He wouldnt explain what happens if i dont- weird. but he said if we get preggers in 4-6 months and i breast feed for at least 6 months, he believes i have a chance the endo could completely go away. I'm a little nervous about why he wouldnt say what would happen if i didnt get preg in 6 months... There's also a little pressure in only having 6 months to try. matt is still convinced he doesnt want to "try" till i've had my post op. He heard the dr say it was my call. i could be ready in 3 days or it could take 3 weeks... Men...

I'm still afraid to get my hopes up yet. I've thought a hundred times about starting to buy baby stuff or look for deals on baby furniture. i guess i dont want a room full of baby stuff and no baby. But part of me says it's a test of faith. i should start preparing and let God do the rest. So i took the 1st step, i went to Books a Million in the rain and in my pj's and bought 2 books. one is The Girlfriend's Guide to Pregnancy and Breastfeeding Made Simple. Now i just have to convince my husband i'm healed ;o)

Sweet Relief!

I have to write about my doctor appt before i forget! Monday, i was out of work sick. I found out my virus turned into a sinus infection and bronchitis- officially NO fun! but i knew i needed to rest up to get my wonderful exam from the dr. Matt rescheduled going out of town for work to go with me. We waited over an hr and a half to see the dr. Kati, the usual nurse, had taken a leave of absence. I got to see the crazy nurse who "schooled me" about sex when i got the UTI on my honeymoon. She asked me how much i loved dr fuller b/c she wanted me to love him as much as she did. her girls are in their 20s and both were delivered by dr fuller. Anyway, Dr fuller finally got around to us. He walked in and asked what my plans were. i told him my plans were for him to book an operating room and help me get pregnant! then i asked what his plans were. He said it sounded like a good plan to him. He agreed that there's only so much pain i need to be in and so many medicines i can try (that dont work). Since i'd just finished the last pills, he asked if matt and i wanted to take the next two weeks to see if i would ovulate and give it a shot... the thought of getting pregnant in the next few weeks kinda freaked me out lol i mean i'm prepared to get pregnant in the next few months, but i didnt know how all that would work with the pain i'm already having. i just like the idea of getting it all cleaned out and feeling better. I mean if the kid's gonna be in there 9 months, you want it to be spotless right! I also had a "lightbulb moment" this weekend too. It hit me, if i want to get pregnant, i need to start treating my body as if i were pregnant. it's kinda like the whole dress for the job you want adage... I need to start taking my vitamins everyday (the $50 prescription ones, i guess i figured if they cost that much they're like gold and i shouldn't use them up that much). i need to make an effort to drink more water and less soda. i need to eat at least 4 servings of vegetables. i need to take in more milk. Dr. fuller gave me prenatal vitamins to start taking after i finish my high dollar vitamins :o) He said we didnt have to wait 4 or 6 weeks after surgery to start trying. He said i'd know when i felt recovered and then we can start. I told him of a friend who had used an ovulation booster to get pregnant b/c she had endometriosis. he said he'd consider a low dose one if necessary or invitro if we need it. we're giving it an old fashioned try first. if it doesnt work in the next few months, we might try the booster. I have to tell ya, i'm excited about this new phase of our lives. I feel such a relief that there's no more guessing games of what treatment is going to work. i'm relieved that i'll get to feel what it's like to be on NO medicine. I get to enjoy being a newlywed! Matt and I have waited patiently for our time to come. i feel like it's finally here!! I just have to get thru 1 more surgery & recover and we're home free! Granted, i'm not getting my hopes up that we'll get pregnant immediately, but at least we're headed in the right direction :o)

This Weekend

Man, does my life feel like a rollercoaster ride lately! Last week was very frustrating and i was ready to give up. (not really, i know i dont have it in my to quit, i just wanted to have a pitty party for a while). But this weekend made me forget how much pain i'm in. Being with Matt keeps my mind off it all. I really feel like this weekend brought us closer. Of course it wasn't the fairytale movie scene i'd wanted, but it was so much more. The bed was hard as a rock, the room stayed at 75 degrees and wouldnt cool off for anything, i woke up at 5am and laid in the floor for comfort and some kind of breeze! I wouldnt trade it for anything. The SunDial was AMAZING! i dont think i've had food that good before. The view cant be described. i took pics, but they didnt do it justice. But the best part of the trip was getting to know my husband better. We know so much about each other and i can even pick up his moods when he can't. But this weekend was incredible. we stayed up till 12:30 laughing, crying, and talking. In ways, it reminded me of when we first started dating and we'd sit around and talk for hours. The conversation was so much deeper though. it wasnt about the past versions of ourselves that we were "filling each other in on" It was about US. Me and him and the life we've created. Our future, our lives right now, my sickness. THAT was worth the trip. I'm so over my freakouts about us not having enough time together. I've seen how close this past 6months has brought us. I know we'll still get those moments after kids- multiplied! I'm more sure than ever that we can start trying to have a baby soon. (and by soon i mean a few months after a surgery and 6 weeks recovery). I still cry everyday and usually over silly things. I still grow out of clothes. I'm still easily irritated. But i understand (and most importantly, Matt understands!) that this isnt me. This is temporary. and it will be worth it in the end. Sometimes it just helps to be reminded of that. And i think that's what this weekend was- a much needed reminder!

Can i call it quits?

"Plan E" is officially on my last nerve! I can't take this anymore. I am in just as much pain as i was last month. Still HIGHLY emotional, overly tired, and i'm sick of it. I'm ready to give up. the problem is, how do i give up? As much as i want to, it's just not possible. First, i'm jeopardizing my chances of having a baby. i know i couldnt forgive myself for messing that up. Second, even if i do refuse all treatment, i'll still end up having to have surgery. The only logical (not a word i associate with myself lately) option would be to have surgery and get pregnant. I keep telling myself i dont want to be irrational, but this is no way to live. Plus i know i'm ready. I was trying to buy us as much time as possible, but it's not looking like i can wait much longer. I'm supposed to go the dr Feb 23rd assuming everything was going smoothly. I cant go early. I dont want to ruin Valentine's Day. I planned a not-so-cheap trip to Atlanta for the weekend. We're making a visit to columbia before we leave too. i dont have time to lay around in pain drugged up. I dont think i even told Matt what prompted the planning of this trip. He was out of town and i started freaking out about having to get pregnant this early in our marriage. I realized the only trip we've been on was our honeymoon. I had a complete panic attack about us not having enough memories together first. So i planned a romantic trip in atlanta w/ reservations at a really nice restaurant. I never wanted the trip to be full of memories of how much pain i'm in or how easily i got tired. I know we'll have fun, but not as much fun as we could have.
God, Your Strength is always there when i need it. and i need it! Thank you that your mercy is renewed daily. I know you are stretching me as a person. Please make clear Your Will and the choices i should make in this situation. By Your stripes i WAS healed over 2000 years ago. Help me to put my selfish plans aside and conform to Your plans. Help me to stay positive. and PLEASE help me handle the pain. Thank you for the wonderful encouragement you have given me in Matt. He truly is a gift.