Thursday, April 23, 2009


Forgive the lack of posting, i've been journaling in an actual notebook(MelRay's genious idea of a place to write what i want to become as a mom)! yes, me, the girl who HATED english! i find journaling in my notebook a little less...edited. If i feel crazy (which i have been lately) i can say so how i want to. As many irrational thoughts that have been running through my head, i needed a place to get rid of it and forget it! Who knew it could be so cathartic! Lately i've been spending a lot of time alone. Out of the past 3 months, Matt has been working in town maybe 3 weeks. It's so not fun and i believe all that alone time is what keeps the irrational thoughts stirred up. I must add though that it has sparked several close encounters with God. It's been 6 weeks today since my surgery. I wish i could say i were pregnant already, but i cant. Logically i know there's a reason for it, but try telling my heart that. I've never had a period be so heartbreaking (or physically painful now that i think about it...). Sure, we've only been trying a few weeks but in ways i feel like i've been trying to get to pregnant a lot longer. Everything for the past year and a half has been centered on what i can do to get pregnant. It's about preserving (or fixing?) what God created my body to do. I could go on and on about how cheated i feel that getting pregnant should be spontaneous or casual or uneventful even! but that's what the notebook is for :o) I could tell you i cry everytime i watch Bringing Home Baby or how angry i get at young girls who neglect their beautiful babies or middle-aged women who are angry they're pregnant but i wont.

Matt and i watched Marley and Me the other night *spoiler alert* I didnt cry at the end when the dog died-- i cried when jennifer aniston's character went for her 1st ultrasound and there was no heartbeat. I'd like to think one day i wont be this sensitive, but it's probably wishful thinking. I guess i've started seeing the world through different eyes lately. I've become more sensitive to my mom's antics and her trashing me to everyone who will listen. She has the one thing i want most- a daughter. yet all she does is push me away.... I pray everyday i wont take my child for granted.

Matt's coming home tonight from a 4-day job in Georgetown. And i havent been so happy for him to come home in a while! i know when he comes home this time, he's promised at least a month's work in town!!! I've bought the ovulation kits. I've bought the multi-pack pregnancy tests. Who knows, i might need another roll of quarters ;o)