Friday, October 23, 2009

Oh How HE Loves Us

well, i believe i can finally spill the beans... I'M PREGNANT! i had no idea what a challenge the last 2 years would have been, but i honestly wouldn't have traded it for anything. I just wish everyone could understand what a miracle God is doing in our lives. I'm 9 weeks today-- the baby is the size of a grape! I've slept more in the past month than i think i ever have! tums are my new best friends . And I'm starting to look a little chunky. It's going to be an exciting ride and i cant wait! November 17th we get to see the baby for the first time and i couldn't be more excited. Matt is beside himself. He's trying to make sure i eat enough vegetables and take my vitamins. He's been so patient and so helpful. He doesn't complain one bit if i go to bed while he cleans the kitchen. I know he'll be a great dad :o) I'll try to be more diligent about updating but the preggo brain has definitely kicked in!

Monday, August 17, 2009

1st Anniversary

Sunday Matt and I celebrated our one year anniversary. I use the term "celebrated" lightly... Matt worked 14 hours Saturday and 15 hours Sunday. I cooked dinner for all the guys Saturday and delivered it to the school where he was working. Sunday, i went to church with my sister. I figured it was better to go to church than sit home alone. Yet i still had plenty of time to sit home alone. Since Matt had to go back to Rock Hill today, i tried to get everything ready for him. I went shopping and packed his lunches and dinners for the week, along with snacks & quick breakfasts. I washed, dried, folded, and even organized his clothes- clothes to pack for work & clothes to keep in the closet. I got out the card i bought him and signed it... We'd planned on going to the Melting Pot but everything at the school he was at seemed to go wrong. People who were supposed to help never showed. So our plans got pushed back. Luckily we'd been thawing our anniversary cake for a couple of days. By the time he got home at 10pm, we had a good 10mins of trying to eat frozen cake and him opening his card. He was shocked that he didn't even think to give me a card, but how can i make him feel bad about it? he's been working SO hard lately, that i cant expect him to remember such things. After all, he did buy me platinum diamond earrings to match my wedding band ;o) So after we both ended up in tears over his card (hey, I'd been in tears a better part of the day, but what he doesn't know cant hurt him!), he took a shower and went to bed. Our 10 mins of anniversary time was great! Just not at all how i imagined it... But then again this past year hasn't gone anything like i imagined. Yet it's still been the best year of my life!

In other news, I'm afraid to admit my endometriosis is back. I started hurting while we were at the beach in the end of July. I just didn't think the pain would escalate this fast. I'm still holding on to hope that I'll get pregnant before i need to have surgery. I told Matt i might be able to hold out till October. I'm praying i can make it that long!I have to go back to the Dr in the next month or 2 anyway because my 6 months of Clomid are coming to an end. All i can do is trust God. I'm not always graceful about it, but i know HIS ways are higher than my ways. I leave you with a verse I've been holding on to this past week:

"You can make many plans, but the LORD's purpose will prevail." Prov. 19:21

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

july 4th weekend (heavy w/pics)

*FYI- this post (before this addition) was exactly 1200 words...

Our weekend started Friday night hanging crown molding on the 1st floor. we brought the miter box & saw in the living room, laid the 1st piece down and looked at each other- laughing! we got in the car and went to Lowe's & came home with an electric miter saw. Once we got the thing to work, we carried out my genius idea angle the 8ft pieces at45 degrees so the seams would be, well, seamless. After we hung the corner & an 8ft piece on either side, we realized the 45's were NOT seamless, in fact the gaps were huge! So after we'd shot 20 nails in them, my dear husband pulled them back off the walls (telling me off for my idea in his head). after trying every angle imaginable, with the gaps getting worse, he had an epiphany- it wasn't the idea it was the molding! we measured and sure enough they were off! some were 1/4" shorter, give or take. GGRR! but after working all day Friday and it being about 10:30, i was just glad to know i wasn't crazy! :o) So we decided to straight cut all the pieces, butt them together, and spackle later. This idea worked much better (as long as the pieces lined up height-wise). we ended up getting the living room and kitchen hung before calling it a night.
We started the next morning (Saturday) as soon as we were both awake. We had reservations at the Melting Pot at 6:30 with Matt's parents, so we knew we'd be omitting lunch for the day. We continued into the hallway until the nail gun jammed. Matt plopped down on the couch w/ a butter knife and a flashlight. I took the time to watch the newest Superman movie (and getting a little entertainment from his frustration). After trying the butter knife, tweezers, a pocket knife i suggested a wire hanger. While trying to bend the wire hanger, Matt chose to let out his frustration on Superman! i think it went something like "that's why nobody likes superman, he's always having to get saved by other people! Spiderman is the same way! Always needing to get saved..." and while i was trying to hold in my snickering i lost it on the next bit. "You ain't never seen a Jedi needing to get saved!" hahaha While the wire hanger worked, Matt was bending out the last few nails. Out of the corner of my eye, i just saw a spring go flying out of the nail gun and hit the wall! and then, the sea of laughter came out of me! Matt might have went "semberger" on it and kicked a few things :o) He stomps upstairs (probably to avoid the laughter that has yet to stop) and starts checking prices for nail guns. Before i knew it, we were back in the car! Thank God someone was open on the 4th!

After our little road trip, we got back to the grind of hanging. After a glitch in the air compressor- Seriously, does it ever end?- we made it down the hall and to the dining room. After not eating for hours, Matt started getting shaky on the ladder. It didn't help the pieces kept going crooked and we kept pulling them off to rehang them. 20 mins of eyeballing the same piece, we decided to call it quits. we still needed to get ready for our date night!

Matt's parents met at our house and we all went to the Melting Pot- YUM! i LOVE that place! Ruth and John were beside themselves! they'd never been and were mesmerized all evening. Our reservation was for 6:30 and we ate till we couldn't eat anymore! By about 9, we were ready to head out for fireworks! We went to the Old Time Pottery parking lot but fireworks weren't until 11. We had 30 mins before Old Time Pottery closed, so we wandered around. Of course we got evil looks from the workers who were, no doubt, ready to get out of there. We left and moved our car up to the other end of the parking lot. Being the 1st out there, we set up camp where we pleased. We unfolded the chairs, whipped out the cooler (gotta love Ruth, always thinking ahead. she packed drinks lol) and just talked. It was great! My sister met us a little later with Lucy, who apparently just lost 2 toes. I told her we should call her Deuce Lucy! Anyway... Jess just fit right in with everyone. We talked for hours before the fireworks started. I even got to try out my new camera for the fireworks! Not too bad...

That night, Matt & I finally made it to bed about 1am he told me he wanted pancakes in the morning! haha Sunday morning we headed out to Cracker Barrel. We were exhausted! the soreness from all our hard work definitely had set in. We had our fill of pancakes and maybe a buckeye or 2 and enjoyed a little rocking chair action before we went to Costco for gas. While at the gas station, i made my pitch to go to the Prime outlets in Gaffney. I planned on going by myself Monday, but it was worth a shot! Apparently pancakes is all my man needs to be persuaded! And we were off! We made the trip down I-85 with Gap coupons in hand! It was a peaceful ride. Of course we talked about the serial killer on the loose in gaffney. I mean hey, it made national news and we were driving straight into the madness for shopping! haha We also discovered, at 1pm, that the outlets don't open on Sunday till1:30 so we got a little more relaxation in before the shopping spree. I scored some great stuff and Matt got a couple of things too. By the 45 min mark, Matt was handing me what he wanted to buy and finding a bench. He was spent! Since i was using my 1 day sale pass and still had no khaki shorts/pants/skirt (for the beach) i tried to talk Matt into stopping by Old Navy on the way home. Of course he sat in the car while i tried on a bunch of stuff that didn't work, but he had an odd grin on his face as i was coming out of Old Navy. He looked at me and said "The Proposal is playing in 15 mins, are we going?" Matt-yes-my husband- the predictable, plan it out, non-spontaneous man that i love left me speechless! He knew i wanted to see The Proposal but he'd conveniently not had time or been in the mood. We sat in the movies, eating our large popcorn for dinner, and i couldn't help but smile. We both thought our day would be full of back aches, saw dust, and safety goggles. But here i sat in the movies, no makeup, hadn't done my hair, we threw on clothes in 10 mins to go to cracker barrel and hadn't been home in 7 hrs. It really was the perfect day with my wonderful husband.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Finally, to know i'm not alone

so the age doesnt match up, and i ideally want 2 kids (i'd be so blessed for one right now) it's encouraging to know you arent the only one feeling like this...

"Children. I want children. Not just a baby. Not just a child. I want children. Three of them. If I were younger, I might want more, but at thirty-four three seems like a good number. Marrying a little late and moving across the country a couple of times as well as a long-running struggle to pay the rent delayed the real trying for a while.The trying has been going on for a long time now. Not as long a many of you, but much longer than most.To no avail. No children. Not one pregnancy. I have never experienced that wonder of knowing that there is a life inside of me. Instead, there is a longing that will not be filled, that will not be diminished, that will not end this side of heaven without children to fill it.Nothing else in my life has been as baffling to me as not being able to conceive a child. My emotions hide even from myself, spilling out in tears of sadness or anger at the most inopportune times. There have been no days of real clarity, no times when a light has come on to show the way—not even a little. But the mysterious and marvelous mercy of God has convinced me of one thing in all of this—it is dark because I am in that deep, hidden place under God’s wing.Certainly, the inability to bear children to the glory of God is due to the sinfulness of sin and its effect on all of life. It is not that God punishes us by not allowing us to give birth to the offspring we most desperately desire. It is rather that we, along with all of creation, suffer the wretched consequences of the sin of our first mother and father, Adam and Eve, compounded by the sin of all the sinners who have come after them. And that, of course, is all of us.Since this is so, I know that, as with all of life, I must not put my trust in anything other than God, even in the provision of a child. This does not necessarily mean that I may not use a medical intervention to try to conceive a child. It does not mean that adoption is not an option to pursue. Rather, I trust that God in His mercy has given us these means as part of His redemption from the effects of the Fall.At times the knowledge that God has given His covenant of grace to believers and their children makes not being able to have a child even more difficult to understand and bear. God has rescued me from such a desperate place and has given me such a glorious glimpse of Himself that I want, with all that is within me, to see this passed on to the next generation of my family, my children.My heart cries out, “Why, O God, will You not answer this prayer? Why will You not do this simple thing for me and for Your own name’s sake? You do it for so many so easily. Your marvelous grace. Why not to me?” With thoughts like these, it is easy to fall into deep despair, and at times I certainly do. When this happens, God in His time and His various graceful ways, comes to me to remind me that I am not alone. He does not, as so many do, tell me that “my time will come.” He does not say that if I will just relax and not try so hard, everything will be okay. He does not say, “If you adopt a baby, you’ll get pregnant.” He does say that He is with me. He weeps with me as Jesus wept for Lazarus. He reminds me that He is good and that He can be trusted with my heart. Any doubt of that was wiped away at the Cross.He has given His best to me, His own beautiful, beloved Child. Will He withhold any good thing from me? No, never. Is Jesus enough to make up for this aching void in my soul? I do not always feel that it is so. But it is. Jesus loves me—this I know."-Debbie Trickett, from The True Woman by Susan

i'll post a more detailed follow up of the past month later.

Friday, May 22, 2009


Just got back from the doctor, so it's time for an update! A couple of weeks ago (like 7 weeks out of surgery) i started having stabbing pains in my left side. Besides the fact i was downtown in training and couldnt leave, i was completely freaked out at what it could have been. Emotionally i wasnt in the best place, so i assumed the worst- endometriosis is back, tubal pregnancy, you name it & i probably thought it! The pain came during my week long ovulation testing. All had been negative and i was starting to lose sleep over it. After talking about all my concerns (well, some of my concerns. some just make me sound crazy!) with someone dear to me, i realized i couldnt keep obsessing like i had been. The stress was definitely getting to me. That weekend, after being very irritable, i finally broke. I started crying and told Matt we weren't trying to get pregnant anymore! i was tired of taking the ovulation tests, i was tired of losing sleep and not eating. I sat at home by myself worrying and stressing and i was DONE! Matt completely agreed that it was my choice if i wanted to stop testing, i'd stop. it wasnt worth my health or sanity.
So this week, when i hadnt started my period i felt myself starting to get all worked up again. I went home from work and started hurting like had 2 weeks ago. This pain added to my stress. I went home and had a little God time... and then my attitude started to change. I knew God's plan is always better than mine, and i was going to cling to that. I meditated on Prov 3:5

5-12 Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don't try to figure out everything on your own.Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; he's the one who will keep you on track.Don't assume that you know it all. Run to God! Run from evil!Your body will glow with health, your very bones will vibrate with life!Honor God with everything you own; give him the first and the best.Your barns will burst, your wine vats will brim over.But don't, dear friend, resent God's discipline; don't sulk under his loving correction.It's the child he loves that God corrects; a father's delight is behind all this. -THE MESSAGE

This version really hit me hard. Don't try to figure out everything on your own. Wow. So monday, i finally felt the peace i thought i had found a couple of weeks ago. Not knowing if i was pregnant or just really late from not ovulating, not knowing why i was hurting, not knowing if i needed another surgery- i stopped trying to figure it out! I thought i might have been pregnant. i mean, i was almost a full week late. i tried not to get too excited b/c i remembered the heartache that came last month when i started my period. I told myself if i hadnt started by Thursday ( matt's bday) i'd take a test. I started my period Wednesday morning. i still thought the flood of emotions would follow. they did, but i surprised myself. i was excited. yes i said excited! just the thought that God had a better plan... God had a better time for me to be pregant... i was overwhelmed with excitement.
Now that i've laid the foundation, on to the dr appt this morning. We were going to talk about starting Clomid, a super ovulation pill. they of course had to do a pelvic exam (NO FUN). I told the dr i was in pain 2 weeks ago and then againg monday & tuesday. I told him it felt like the same pain last year when i had a cyst. i described the pain and he agreed. i told him i took the 7 day ovulation test and all were negative. i knew exactly how long my cycles had been. Finally, for once a doctor's appt made sense. the pain made sense. the timing made sense! The dr said i developed a cyst(2 weeks ago) b/c i wasnt ovulating- almost as if the cyst took the place of ovulation. then, the cyst collapsed at the onset of my period (monday or tuesday). He said as tender as i had been w/the endo and i sensitive as i should be for being on my period during the exam, i wasnt sensitive at all! he was able to check everything just fine and he felt the endo wasnt even almost coming back OR that there were any signs of cysts being present still. Since he was so pleased at how i'd kept track of everything and how "textbook" the pain and all had been, he was going to skip the bloodwork before starting Clomid. and i didnt know it but you're supposed to start clomid on day 3 of your cycle--which is TODAY! does anyone else see how well God planned all this out!? i take clomid for days 3-7 and i should ovulate days 14-15. i just have to go back on day 21-22 for blood tests. They want to check my hormone levels to see if i need more than one pill a day. This month is more of a testing of levels on clomid than trying to get preg, but it's still just as likely. If not, i'll take it again next month and take another ovulation testing kit. So, i'm clinging to Proverbs 3:5 and i'm still SO excited for what this summer is going to bring!

Thursday, April 23, 2009


Forgive the lack of posting, i've been journaling in an actual notebook(MelRay's genious idea of a place to write what i want to become as a mom)! yes, me, the girl who HATED english! i find journaling in my notebook a little less...edited. If i feel crazy (which i have been lately) i can say so how i want to. As many irrational thoughts that have been running through my head, i needed a place to get rid of it and forget it! Who knew it could be so cathartic! Lately i've been spending a lot of time alone. Out of the past 3 months, Matt has been working in town maybe 3 weeks. It's so not fun and i believe all that alone time is what keeps the irrational thoughts stirred up. I must add though that it has sparked several close encounters with God. It's been 6 weeks today since my surgery. I wish i could say i were pregnant already, but i cant. Logically i know there's a reason for it, but try telling my heart that. I've never had a period be so heartbreaking (or physically painful now that i think about it...). Sure, we've only been trying a few weeks but in ways i feel like i've been trying to get to pregnant a lot longer. Everything for the past year and a half has been centered on what i can do to get pregnant. It's about preserving (or fixing?) what God created my body to do. I could go on and on about how cheated i feel that getting pregnant should be spontaneous or casual or uneventful even! but that's what the notebook is for :o) I could tell you i cry everytime i watch Bringing Home Baby or how angry i get at young girls who neglect their beautiful babies or middle-aged women who are angry they're pregnant but i wont.

Matt and i watched Marley and Me the other night *spoiler alert* I didnt cry at the end when the dog died-- i cried when jennifer aniston's character went for her 1st ultrasound and there was no heartbeat. I'd like to think one day i wont be this sensitive, but it's probably wishful thinking. I guess i've started seeing the world through different eyes lately. I've become more sensitive to my mom's antics and her trashing me to everyone who will listen. She has the one thing i want most- a daughter. yet all she does is push me away.... I pray everyday i wont take my child for granted.

Matt's coming home tonight from a 4-day job in Georgetown. And i havent been so happy for him to come home in a while! i know when he comes home this time, he's promised at least a month's work in town!!! I've bought the ovulation kits. I've bought the multi-pack pregnancy tests. Who knows, i might need another roll of quarters ;o)

Monday, March 16, 2009

What a Week!

I feel like i have so much to say about the past week, i'm bound to forget something! At my last dr appt, we all agreed surgery was the answer. Well, basically the dr agreed that it was my body, my call :o) Wednesday i got off work at 2 and went home to clean- for 4 hrs straight! Melissa brought over taco soup; "crack mix" consisting of popcorn, 2 kinds of cheese its, and m&ms *YUM*; brownies w/peanut butter chips, a bunch of books, and a journal. Normally i am not a journal kind of person, but this gift brought me to tears. We'd just talked about how i was afraid of turning into my mom and all the things i'd do different as a mother. Mel had the idea to journal all the things i want to be as a mom. Now i have a place to write all the things i want to do with my children, things i'd swear i'd never say, and such. After Melissa left, Matt and i went for the "last dinner." it's a dinner i've done every night for all 5 of my surgeries. You make a point to go to a place you dont go much, or that's really not that good for you. We went to a meat-&-3 kinda place i LOVED when we lived in greenville. Stax original is near cherrydale. I was in heaven!! the food was awesome. Matt wasnt a big fan, but he humored me. And i have to brag on Matt, he actually left his phone in the car!! For him, this is HUGE! he'd left work while his guys were still working so we could spend time together. Normally, us "spending time together" would include several interruptions with problems from work and emails for the next day. We had a great conversation and just enjoyed being together. Since matt had never been to my Nanny's house, we stopped by to see her. It's only 4 mins from Stax and my parents will be moving in with her soon, so we just wanted matt to be able to check it out and see the construction my parents had done in their preperation to move. Sadly, I dont remember the last time i got to have a conversation with Nanny without mama overpowering her. it was great! we finally got to hear Nanny's opinion on a lot of things, including a dishwasher we were thinking of giving them. By the time we got home, we were exhausted. We both fell asleep before 10:30!

Thursday morning we woke up at 4:15. I took a shower and got ready for the hospital. Matt and I had a wonderful time just cuddling that morning- actually, a little too much time! We rushed to the hospital and still were 10mins late. Even my parents were already there waiting! haha! Matt had decided he would go back with me for the IV and everything this time. I knew he was nervous, but trying to be strong for me. I guess it finally hit him that he'd see much worse if we were going to have a baby! Honestly, it was a true test of how much closer we've grown through the past 6 months of marriage. i, more than the last 2 times, wanted him with me instead of my mom. What i didnt know was how much trouble the nurse would have! First, let me say i HATE the IV part worse than all of it. the shot that stings and feeling the needle pulling in my skin to me is worse than waking up 5 times before i know where i am. I might have failed to mention that to matt before he volunteered to come back there for all that... I had a tag team of nurses- one asking questions and one taking stats and starting the IV. After a 5 min search for a vein, she pulled the bed off the wall and searched the other arm. She thought she found a vein in my hand after thumping it a million times. the shot sucked and she got the needle in, but she didnt hit the right spot for the fluids to be able to go in. She pulled it out and (while pressing VERY hard on the hole she just made!) thumped the vein less than an inch down from the first try. By this point Matt had his blackberry so close to his face, you couldnt tell one from the other. After an even worse sting from the 2nd shot, we were "hopeful" the 2nd IV would work. she hooked up the Saline and let it drip a while to see if i felt my arm getting cold. I might have stretched the truth a little at that point but i didnt care! After the dynamic duo left, matt peeled himself off the chair and climbed in the bed with me. I must say i was shocked since he held up the wall the last time he saw a tube in my arm, but it was nice to have a moment with him before my parents came back. Not long after my parents came back, they took me to the OR. all i remember is the huge boot-looking things that were the feet stirrups. I even asked if they planned on having me "spread eagle" the nurse giggled and said they'd wait till i was out lol

I woke up in recovery with a male nurse named Forrest. The absolute first thing i noticed was my IV was in the other hand!!! It's actually what woke me up. i asked if the nurse screwed up take 2. He said it must have not been a good enough vein b/c they moved it after i was out. Thank God for them waiting!!

the doctor talked to matt and my parents while i was in recovery. the 1 hr surgery actually took 2 hours. There was a lot of scar tissue. my right ovary was plastered to my pelvic wall with adhesions. Apparently, there was a lot of small buds of endometriosis. The dr said he was glad we did it when we did. He said my gut was right b/c had we waited too much longer, the many tiny spots of endo would have grown and i would have been a mess to try and clean up. He also put some kind of gel stuff in there to prevent scar tissue from coming back. According to what he said, we have 4-6 months to get pregnant. He wouldnt explain what happens if i dont- weird. but he said if we get preggers in 4-6 months and i breast feed for at least 6 months, he believes i have a chance the endo could completely go away. I'm a little nervous about why he wouldnt say what would happen if i didnt get preg in 6 months... There's also a little pressure in only having 6 months to try. matt is still convinced he doesnt want to "try" till i've had my post op. He heard the dr say it was my call. i could be ready in 3 days or it could take 3 weeks... Men...

I'm still afraid to get my hopes up yet. I've thought a hundred times about starting to buy baby stuff or look for deals on baby furniture. i guess i dont want a room full of baby stuff and no baby. But part of me says it's a test of faith. i should start preparing and let God do the rest. So i took the 1st step, i went to Books a Million in the rain and in my pj's and bought 2 books. one is The Girlfriend's Guide to Pregnancy and Breastfeeding Made Simple. Now i just have to convince my husband i'm healed ;o)

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Sweet Relief!

I have to write about my doctor appt before i forget! Monday, i was out of work sick. I found out my virus turned into a sinus infection and bronchitis- officially NO fun! but i knew i needed to rest up to get my wonderful exam from the dr. Matt rescheduled going out of town for work to go with me. We waited over an hr and a half to see the dr. Kati, the usual nurse, had taken a leave of absence. I got to see the crazy nurse who "schooled me" about sex when i got the UTI on my honeymoon. She asked me how much i loved dr fuller b/c she wanted me to love him as much as she did. her girls are in their 20s and both were delivered by dr fuller. Anyway, Dr fuller finally got around to us. He walked in and asked what my plans were. i told him my plans were for him to book an operating room and help me get pregnant! then i asked what his plans were. He said it sounded like a good plan to him. He agreed that there's only so much pain i need to be in and so many medicines i can try (that dont work). Since i'd just finished the last pills, he asked if matt and i wanted to take the next two weeks to see if i would ovulate and give it a shot... the thought of getting pregnant in the next few weeks kinda freaked me out lol i mean i'm prepared to get pregnant in the next few months, but i didnt know how all that would work with the pain i'm already having. i just like the idea of getting it all cleaned out and feeling better. I mean if the kid's gonna be in there 9 months, you want it to be spotless right! I also had a "lightbulb moment" this weekend too. It hit me, if i want to get pregnant, i need to start treating my body as if i were pregnant. it's kinda like the whole dress for the job you want adage... I need to start taking my vitamins everyday (the $50 prescription ones, i guess i figured if they cost that much they're like gold and i shouldn't use them up that much). i need to make an effort to drink more water and less soda. i need to eat at least 4 servings of vegetables. i need to take in more milk. Dr. fuller gave me prenatal vitamins to start taking after i finish my high dollar vitamins :o) He said we didnt have to wait 4 or 6 weeks after surgery to start trying. He said i'd know when i felt recovered and then we can start. I told him of a friend who had used an ovulation booster to get pregnant b/c she had endometriosis. he said he'd consider a low dose one if necessary or invitro if we need it. we're giving it an old fashioned try first. if it doesnt work in the next few months, we might try the booster. I have to tell ya, i'm excited about this new phase of our lives. I feel such a relief that there's no more guessing games of what treatment is going to work. i'm relieved that i'll get to feel what it's like to be on NO medicine. I get to enjoy being a newlywed! Matt and I have waited patiently for our time to come. i feel like it's finally here!! I just have to get thru 1 more surgery & recover and we're home free! Granted, i'm not getting my hopes up that we'll get pregnant immediately, but at least we're headed in the right direction :o)

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

This Weekend

Man, does my life feel like a rollercoaster ride lately! Last week was very frustrating and i was ready to give up. (not really, i know i dont have it in my to quit, i just wanted to have a pitty party for a while). But this weekend made me forget how much pain i'm in. Being with Matt keeps my mind off it all. I really feel like this weekend brought us closer. Of course it wasn't the fairytale movie scene i'd wanted, but it was so much more. The bed was hard as a rock, the room stayed at 75 degrees and wouldnt cool off for anything, i woke up at 5am and laid in the floor for comfort and some kind of breeze! I wouldnt trade it for anything. The SunDial was AMAZING! i dont think i've had food that good before. The view cant be described. i took pics, but they didnt do it justice. But the best part of the trip was getting to know my husband better. We know so much about each other and i can even pick up his moods when he can't. But this weekend was incredible. we stayed up till 12:30 laughing, crying, and talking. In ways, it reminded me of when we first started dating and we'd sit around and talk for hours. The conversation was so much deeper though. it wasnt about the past versions of ourselves that we were "filling each other in on" It was about US. Me and him and the life we've created. Our future, our lives right now, my sickness. THAT was worth the trip. I'm so over my freakouts about us not having enough time together. I've seen how close this past 6months has brought us. I know we'll still get those moments after kids- multiplied! I'm more sure than ever that we can start trying to have a baby soon. (and by soon i mean a few months after a surgery and 6 weeks recovery). I still cry everyday and usually over silly things. I still grow out of clothes. I'm still easily irritated. But i understand (and most importantly, Matt understands!) that this isnt me. This is temporary. and it will be worth it in the end. Sometimes it just helps to be reminded of that. And i think that's what this weekend was- a much needed reminder!

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Can i call it quits?

"Plan E" is officially on my last nerve! I can't take this anymore. I am in just as much pain as i was last month. Still HIGHLY emotional, overly tired, and i'm sick of it. I'm ready to give up. the problem is, how do i give up? As much as i want to, it's just not possible. First, i'm jeopardizing my chances of having a baby. i know i couldnt forgive myself for messing that up. Second, even if i do refuse all treatment, i'll still end up having to have surgery. The only logical (not a word i associate with myself lately) option would be to have surgery and get pregnant. I keep telling myself i dont want to be irrational, but this is no way to live. Plus i know i'm ready. I was trying to buy us as much time as possible, but it's not looking like i can wait much longer. I'm supposed to go the dr Feb 23rd assuming everything was going smoothly. I cant go early. I dont want to ruin Valentine's Day. I planned a not-so-cheap trip to Atlanta for the weekend. We're making a visit to columbia before we leave too. i dont have time to lay around in pain drugged up. I dont think i even told Matt what prompted the planning of this trip. He was out of town and i started freaking out about having to get pregnant this early in our marriage. I realized the only trip we've been on was our honeymoon. I had a complete panic attack about us not having enough memories together first. So i planned a romantic trip in atlanta w/ reservations at a really nice restaurant. I never wanted the trip to be full of memories of how much pain i'm in or how easily i got tired. I know we'll have fun, but not as much fun as we could have.
God, Your Strength is always there when i need it. and i need it! Thank you that your mercy is renewed daily. I know you are stretching me as a person. Please make clear Your Will and the choices i should make in this situation. By Your stripes i WAS healed over 2000 years ago. Help me to put my selfish plans aside and conform to Your plans. Help me to stay positive. and PLEASE help me handle the pain. Thank you for the wonderful encouragement you have given me in Matt. He truly is a gift.

Thursday, February 5, 2009


So i started the new birth control pills. They're not making me feel as good as i'd hoped... I actually had to break into the Loritab last night. I feel bloated all the time. I'm getting emotional over the DUMBEST things. I swear if Matt didnt think i was crazy, he does now! Since he's never been around anyone (to my knowledge) who has had horomone problems, i dont think he relates my irratic behavior to changing birth control pills. I hate to always use that as an excuse, but i know this isn't me! I dont want to call the dr about it because he'll just try to get me to take an antidepressant. I really really dont want to go on any other medicines- especially when God delivered me from depression years ago. I've been in such a blah kind of mood lately. I dont have the energy to do anything yet i get so frustrated at how messy the house gets when i dont feel like cleaning. *Sigh* i hate being indifferent!

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

wow! i'm a blogger

I have officially entered the world of blogging! I'm hoping this will become my catharsis :o) With my forever changing life, I needed a place to get it all out! I'm excited to have a chronicle of the wonderful journey Matt and I are on. It might not always be graceful, but i guess that's the freedom of the blogging universe. Since i'm at work now, i'll hopefully get pics up tonight. That is if i dont go home, take a Loritab, and knock out.
I'm on day 2 of "plan D" of the treatment for my ferocious endometriosis :oD it's officially kicking my butt... At least it's almost Saturday. Then the pain shouldnt be so bad. I'll be able to start the new kind of birth control! I have to be hopeful, i'm running out of options.