Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Can i call it quits?

"Plan E" is officially on my last nerve! I can't take this anymore. I am in just as much pain as i was last month. Still HIGHLY emotional, overly tired, and i'm sick of it. I'm ready to give up. the problem is, how do i give up? As much as i want to, it's just not possible. First, i'm jeopardizing my chances of having a baby. i know i couldnt forgive myself for messing that up. Second, even if i do refuse all treatment, i'll still end up having to have surgery. The only logical (not a word i associate with myself lately) option would be to have surgery and get pregnant. I keep telling myself i dont want to be irrational, but this is no way to live. Plus i know i'm ready. I was trying to buy us as much time as possible, but it's not looking like i can wait much longer. I'm supposed to go the dr Feb 23rd assuming everything was going smoothly. I cant go early. I dont want to ruin Valentine's Day. I planned a not-so-cheap trip to Atlanta for the weekend. We're making a visit to columbia before we leave too. i dont have time to lay around in pain drugged up. I dont think i even told Matt what prompted the planning of this trip. He was out of town and i started freaking out about having to get pregnant this early in our marriage. I realized the only trip we've been on was our honeymoon. I had a complete panic attack about us not having enough memories together first. So i planned a romantic trip in atlanta w/ reservations at a really nice restaurant. I never wanted the trip to be full of memories of how much pain i'm in or how easily i got tired. I know we'll have fun, but not as much fun as we could have.
God, Your Strength is always there when i need it. and i need it! Thank you that your mercy is renewed daily. I know you are stretching me as a person. Please make clear Your Will and the choices i should make in this situation. By Your stripes i WAS healed over 2000 years ago. Help me to put my selfish plans aside and conform to Your plans. Help me to stay positive. and PLEASE help me handle the pain. Thank you for the wonderful encouragement you have given me in Matt. He truly is a gift.

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