Sweet Relief!

I have to write about my doctor appt before i forget! Monday, i was out of work sick. I found out my virus turned into a sinus infection and bronchitis- officially NO fun! but i knew i needed to rest up to get my wonderful exam from the dr. Matt rescheduled going out of town for work to go with me. We waited over an hr and a half to see the dr. Kati, the usual nurse, had taken a leave of absence. I got to see the crazy nurse who "schooled me" about sex when i got the UTI on my honeymoon. She asked me how much i loved dr fuller b/c she wanted me to love him as much as she did. her girls are in their 20s and both were delivered by dr fuller. Anyway, Dr fuller finally got around to us. He walked in and asked what my plans were. i told him my plans were for him to book an operating room and help me get pregnant! then i asked what his plans were. He said it sounded like a good plan to him. He agreed that there's only so much pain i need to be in and so many medicines i can try (that dont work). Since i'd just finished the last pills, he asked if matt and i wanted to take the next two weeks to see if i would ovulate and give it a shot... the thought of getting pregnant in the next few weeks kinda freaked me out lol i mean i'm prepared to get pregnant in the next few months, but i didnt know how all that would work with the pain i'm already having. i just like the idea of getting it all cleaned out and feeling better. I mean if the kid's gonna be in there 9 months, you want it to be spotless right! I also had a "lightbulb moment" this weekend too. It hit me, if i want to get pregnant, i need to start treating my body as if i were pregnant. it's kinda like the whole dress for the job you want adage... I need to start taking my vitamins everyday (the $50 prescription ones, i guess i figured if they cost that much they're like gold and i shouldn't use them up that much). i need to make an effort to drink more water and less soda. i need to eat at least 4 servings of vegetables. i need to take in more milk. Dr. fuller gave me prenatal vitamins to start taking after i finish my high dollar vitamins :o) He said we didnt have to wait 4 or 6 weeks after surgery to start trying. He said i'd know when i felt recovered and then we can start. I told him of a friend who had used an ovulation booster to get pregnant b/c she had endometriosis. he said he'd consider a low dose one if necessary or invitro if we need it. we're giving it an old fashioned try first. if it doesnt work in the next few months, we might try the booster. I have to tell ya, i'm excited about this new phase of our lives. I feel such a relief that there's no more guessing games of what treatment is going to work. i'm relieved that i'll get to feel what it's like to be on NO medicine. I get to enjoy being a newlywed! Matt and I have waited patiently for our time to come. i feel like it's finally here!! I just have to get thru 1 more surgery & recover and we're home free! Granted, i'm not getting my hopes up that we'll get pregnant immediately, but at least we're headed in the right direction :o)

This Weekend

Man, does my life feel like a rollercoaster ride lately! Last week was very frustrating and i was ready to give up. (not really, i know i dont have it in my to quit, i just wanted to have a pitty party for a while). But this weekend made me forget how much pain i'm in. Being with Matt keeps my mind off it all. I really feel like this weekend brought us closer. Of course it wasn't the fairytale movie scene i'd wanted, but it was so much more. The bed was hard as a rock, the room stayed at 75 degrees and wouldnt cool off for anything, i woke up at 5am and laid in the floor for comfort and some kind of breeze! I wouldnt trade it for anything. The SunDial was AMAZING! i dont think i've had food that good before. The view cant be described. i took pics, but they didnt do it justice. But the best part of the trip was getting to know my husband better. We know so much about each other and i can even pick up his moods when he can't. But this weekend was incredible. we stayed up till 12:30 laughing, crying, and talking. In ways, it reminded me of when we first started dating and we'd sit around and talk for hours. The conversation was so much deeper though. it wasnt about the past versions of ourselves that we were "filling each other in on" It was about US. Me and him and the life we've created. Our future, our lives right now, my sickness. THAT was worth the trip. I'm so over my freakouts about us not having enough time together. I've seen how close this past 6months has brought us. I know we'll still get those moments after kids- multiplied! I'm more sure than ever that we can start trying to have a baby soon. (and by soon i mean a few months after a surgery and 6 weeks recovery). I still cry everyday and usually over silly things. I still grow out of clothes. I'm still easily irritated. But i understand (and most importantly, Matt understands!) that this isnt me. This is temporary. and it will be worth it in the end. Sometimes it just helps to be reminded of that. And i think that's what this weekend was- a much needed reminder!

Can i call it quits?

"Plan E" is officially on my last nerve! I can't take this anymore. I am in just as much pain as i was last month. Still HIGHLY emotional, overly tired, and i'm sick of it. I'm ready to give up. the problem is, how do i give up? As much as i want to, it's just not possible. First, i'm jeopardizing my chances of having a baby. i know i couldnt forgive myself for messing that up. Second, even if i do refuse all treatment, i'll still end up having to have surgery. The only logical (not a word i associate with myself lately) option would be to have surgery and get pregnant. I keep telling myself i dont want to be irrational, but this is no way to live. Plus i know i'm ready. I was trying to buy us as much time as possible, but it's not looking like i can wait much longer. I'm supposed to go the dr Feb 23rd assuming everything was going smoothly. I cant go early. I dont want to ruin Valentine's Day. I planned a not-so-cheap trip to Atlanta for the weekend. We're making a visit to columbia before we leave too. i dont have time to lay around in pain drugged up. I dont think i even told Matt what prompted the planning of this trip. He was out of town and i started freaking out about having to get pregnant this early in our marriage. I realized the only trip we've been on was our honeymoon. I had a complete panic attack about us not having enough memories together first. So i planned a romantic trip in atlanta w/ reservations at a really nice restaurant. I never wanted the trip to be full of memories of how much pain i'm in or how easily i got tired. I know we'll have fun, but not as much fun as we could have.
God, Your Strength is always there when i need it. and i need it! Thank you that your mercy is renewed daily. I know you are stretching me as a person. Please make clear Your Will and the choices i should make in this situation. By Your stripes i WAS healed over 2000 years ago. Help me to put my selfish plans aside and conform to Your plans. Help me to stay positive. and PLEASE help me handle the pain. Thank you for the wonderful encouragement you have given me in Matt. He truly is a gift.

Blah!

So i started the new birth control pills. They're not making me feel as good as i'd hoped... I actually had to break into the Loritab last night. I feel bloated all the time. I'm getting emotional over the DUMBEST things. I swear if Matt didnt think i was crazy, he does now! Since he's never been around anyone (to my knowledge) who has had horomone problems, i dont think he relates my irratic behavior to changing birth control pills. I hate to always use that as an excuse, but i know this isn't me! I dont want to call the dr about it because he'll just try to get me to take an antidepressant. I really really dont want to go on any other medicines- especially when God delivered me from depression years ago. I've been in such a blah kind of mood lately. I dont have the energy to do anything yet i get so frustrated at how messy the house gets when i dont feel like cleaning. *Sigh* i hate being indifferent!