Just got back from the doctor, so it's time for an update! A couple of weeks ago (like 7 weeks out of surgery) i started having stabbing pains in my left side. Besides the fact i was downtown in training and couldnt leave, i was completely freaked out at what it could have been. Emotionally i wasnt in the best place, so i assumed the worst- endometriosis is back, tubal pregnancy, you name it & i probably thought it! The pain came during my week long ovulation testing. All had been negative and i was starting to lose sleep over it. After talking about all my concerns (well, some of my concerns. some just make me sound crazy!) with someone dear to me, i realized i couldnt keep obsessing like i had been. The stress was definitely getting to me. That weekend, after being very irritable, i finally broke. I started crying and told Matt we weren't trying to get pregnant anymore! i was tired of taking the ovulation tests, i was tired of losing sleep and not eating. I sat at home by myself worrying and stressing and i was DONE! Matt completely agreed that it was my choice if i wanted to stop testing, i'd stop. it wasnt worth my health or sanity.
So this week, when i hadnt started my period i felt myself starting to get all worked up again. I went home from work and started hurting like had 2 weeks ago. This pain added to my stress. I went home and had a little God time... and then my attitude started to change. I knew God's plan is always better than mine, and i was going to cling to that. I meditated on Prov 3:5
5-12 Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don't try to figure out everything on your own.Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; he's the one who will keep you on track.Don't assume that you know it all. Run to God! Run from evil!Your body will glow with health, your very bones will vibrate with life!Honor God with everything you own; give him the first and the best.Your barns will burst, your wine vats will brim over.But don't, dear friend, resent God's discipline; don't sulk under his loving correction.It's the child he loves that God corrects; a father's delight is behind all this. -THE MESSAGE
This version really hit me hard. Don't try to figure out everything on your own. Wow. So monday, i finally felt the peace i thought i had found a couple of weeks ago. Not knowing if i was pregnant or just really late from not ovulating, not knowing why i was hurting, not knowing if i needed another surgery- i stopped trying to figure it out! I thought i might have been pregnant. i mean, i was almost a full week late. i tried not to get too excited b/c i remembered the heartache that came last month when i started my period. I told myself if i hadnt started by Thursday ( matt's bday) i'd take a test. I started my period Wednesday morning. i still thought the flood of emotions would follow. they did, but i surprised myself. i was excited. yes i said excited! just the thought that God had a better plan... God had a better time for me to be pregant... i was overwhelmed with excitement.
Now that i've laid the foundation, on to the dr appt this morning. We were going to talk about starting Clomid, a super ovulation pill. they of course had to do a pelvic exam (NO FUN). I told the dr i was in pain 2 weeks ago and then againg monday & tuesday. I told him it felt like the same pain last year when i had a cyst. i described the pain and he agreed. i told him i took the 7 day ovulation test and all were negative. i knew exactly how long my cycles had been. Finally, for once a doctor's appt made sense. the pain made sense. the timing made sense! The dr said i developed a cyst(2 weeks ago) b/c i wasnt ovulating- almost as if the cyst took the place of ovulation. then, the cyst collapsed at the onset of my period (monday or tuesday). He said as tender as i had been w/the endo and i sensitive as i should be for being on my period during the exam, i wasnt sensitive at all! he was able to check everything just fine and he felt the endo wasnt even almost coming back OR that there were any signs of cysts being present still. Since he was so pleased at how i'd kept track of everything and how "textbook" the pain and all had been, he was going to skip the bloodwork before starting Clomid. and i didnt know it but you're supposed to start clomid on day 3 of your cycle--which is TODAY! does anyone else see how well God planned all this out!? i take clomid for days 3-7 and i should ovulate days 14-15. i just have to go back on day 21-22 for blood tests. They want to check my hormone levels to see if i need more than one pill a day. This month is more of a testing of levels on clomid than trying to get preg, but it's still just as likely. If not, i'll take it again next month and take another ovulation testing kit. So, i'm clinging to Proverbs 3:5 and i'm still SO excited for what this summer is going to bring!